As I type this, a favourite piece of mine plays in the background, Fur Elise by Beethoven. The melodic rise and fall of the notes is soothing, calming like a lullaby and yet, not quite. Because it feels like a sprightly dance mid-way and then drops back into the lull and rocking motion of the original notes.
I wonder why music like this appeals to me and I realise it is because of its power to calm me down. I listen to music when I am angry, upset, irritable and on the verge of losing my temper. I typically bite my tongue when it comes to quick retorts, because I know you can’t take something back once it is said.
Writing, on the other hand, is much easier, in my opinion. I remember as a child when I used to argue with my parents and my father used to get angry with me for some reason, I would get choked up and wouldn’t know what to say. The anger and the resentment would bottle up but I would find an immediate outlet through writing about it.
Finding myself a quiet corner, I would write out a long letter, explaining why I felt hurt and upset by what he had said or how I was sorry for what I had done. Every single time. And for each of those times, I have seen him smile and hug me. My dad was the kind who would get upset with me and then turn around and forget about it within 15 minutes. He wouldn’t carry a grudge or resent anyone for what they had said or done.
That isn’t easy to do, mind you. It doesn’t come naturally to a lot of us- me, most of all. It is something I struggled with while I grew up, interacted with my peers, after marriage and even post motherhood. I was always the very sensitive one who had to learn to grow ‘tough’ to face today’s world. Sometimes, I see my daughter and wonder if I should help her become street smart and tough. I watch as she gets hurt by a friend and lunge forward to protect her, like a tigress and her cub. Then, i step back and think, ‘Am I doing the right thing? How will she ever learn to face disappointment and difficulty if I keep shielding her from that?’ Yet, I can’t stop my instinct; not even sure it’s maternal, because I wouldn’t want to see anyone get hurt.
But , yes, my experiences have made me who I am today. I am the non-confrontational type in general. I don’t go looking for fights and arguments, but I will debate on something in a healthy, constructive way. That’s they way I have built myself. Once I realise that the argument goes nowhere , I stop wasting my energy and time on it. Again, that’s the way I am made.
Are there parts of my life I regret? Had you asked me this question 15 years ago, I would have said ‘Yes!’ But today, I look at every negative thing that happened and see the linear path of transformation that it has led me on. I am grateful to those experiences and I wouldn’t exchange them for happier moments.
Today, I blog with a passion. I write because it makes me feel alive. I am sure that there is a lot of scope for improvement and that is something that I am ready to work on and commit myself towards. But I am also grateful. For every person, every community and every reader in my circle.
After all, our experiences shape us and our interactions make up a bulk of those.