This didn’t come easily to me. It doesn’t mean I never lost my temper or never got upset. It just means I didn’t raise my voice or lift a finger. As difficult and strenuous as it may have been, it’s come with its share of slow but much-awaited rewards.
On a Thursday in July, 3 years ago, I gave gratitude for completing an entire week without yelling at a 7-year-old. At the same time, my heart was fighting inside, telling me I shouldn’t have even had to yell at a child. This tug of war, the battle between ‘should’ and ‘shouldn’t’ yell, made me examine a very important aspect of being a parent.
Every time I yelled at Gy, it was for a number of reasons:
* I was angry
* I’d been defied
* I was losing control over the situation
* I was tired and beyond exhausted
* I hated when things didn’t go according to plan
Common factor for all triggers? Yes. That was me.
What I didn’t realise was I was offloading a lot of my expectations and emotions on to a child. And this isn’t entirely my fault. As parents, we all do it. We shouldn’t beat ourselves up over it though. We can, however, learn from the mistakes.
Kids are incredibly resilient and forgiving too. They’ll bounce back, hug you and forgive you all within the space of 5 minutes, maybe less. But you’ll notice that as they grow older, they are more observant of the way you handle stress and manage your emotions. And they watch and learn.
Slowly, I began trying to put into practice a few key concepts that I’d learnt in the last 3 years.
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Let go of the small stuff
I stopped yelling at her for not doing her homework or completing her school work. I figured that she needs to learn these things at her own pace.
Take a deep breath
It’s tempting to want to explode when the fury of being defied hits you full in the face. My suggestion? Walk away and take a few deep breaths.
Listen to the reasons
Sometimes, kids do things because they are upset with someone else. You may not be the actual target but you end up being one anyway. When calm, find out if something else is bothering the child.
Spend more time with them
I know this sounds trite but it’s one of the things that really works. Whether the child is one year old or ten years old, it doesn’t matter. They want us to be with them, even if it’s for 30 minutes of uninterrupted time just reading, talking, playing or lying down together.
Let them make some mistakes
I’d get wildly upset that she wasn’t being careful with her belongings and roundly accuse her of irresponsibility. No surprise that she continued to be so. But allowing her to forget a few things and face the consequences has helped her learn this on her own.
Appreciate the good
In June this year, she started showing a marked improvement in her school work and I consciously started acknowledging that, telling her that it was admirable that she had started taking responsibility for herself. Praising the efforts, not the child, have gone a long way in building her self-confidence and also eliminated the need to yell.
Why is it important that I share this today?
Because we need reminders. Each reminder is an important lesson and it’s always the same lesson: Love.
In a world where we are constantly forgetting the good in favour of the horrific, we must remind ourselves that we have a genuine role to play in the universe. We are parents, caregivers to children who look up to us and address us with affection, trust and love.
Above all else, love. That takes care of just about everything.
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Thanks for this.
Still trying everyday, with guilt…
Oh Shailaja love..thank you for this. Love ia the key..beautiful post. Sharing!
Very true. It feels like each line is written for me. Thank you
This post is so you. Honest, non-condescending and yet so profound :). Some good reminders in there, and I definitely feel like I need them these days, so thank you!
You have actually installed a yell-free counter? How adorable is that?! On a more serious note, I can so relate to this article. I also yell at my kids, although the frequency seems to have dropped now. But then, you should really ask them. A lovely, honest post Shailaja. Loved it. Hugs to Gy and you. 🙂
So you,really! You're a mom after my heart. So honest, so full with love, so willing to look within and improve. I yell at my kids too and sometimes funny don't even feel bad about it. But my yelling is quite harmless. I avoid being nasty. What you've written is a great reminder for every parent. Lots of love!
I am yet to experience motherhood but completely agree with all your points. I see my relative shouting like hell at her kids.
Superb post!We moms are given to yelling when kids dont listen to us.Requires lot of patience to not shout back but I guess it is worth it in the end
Thanks for reading, Archana. I know it's tough and some days are harder than others. Try and keep track of small victories. It really motivates one to follow through.
Thank you so much, Shilpa 🙂
Thank you for reading, Srobona 🙂
We all go through this, Ramya. It's almost like a rite of passage, being a parent. Tell you the truth? I need the reminder myself. It helps to watch that timer in the sidebar and will myself not to yell. Very motivating. Do try and let me know how it goes.
Thank you so much, Hena! I am so glad it touched a chord.
Aww thank you so much! I am always wary when writing parenting posts. It's why I update infrequently too. I don't want to come off as 'instructional'. It's kind of deeply ingrained so I have to work on the voice at times. 🙂
I know, right? A fellow blogger kindly created the code for me when I reached out to a blogging group 3 years ago and it's been on my sidebar ever since 🙂
Thank you so much, Sridevi. Lovely to see you here!
I don't need to say more for you've done a perfect job of self assessment and constructive criticism. That's the best part.
Those are some great pointers for all parents to ponder on and act on too. I have done quite some yelling on my kid when he was young, but not anymore. May be because he is a teenager now. And also because he is in a boarding school now, so our relationship has undergone a change, where I treat him as an adult!
Thank you so much, Rachna 🙂 I know we've talked about this often and honestly, we must work with what works for us. A stern look and firm voice works for now with Gy. I love how you mention 'avoid being nasty'. That's crucial. Love and hugs right back at you!
Thank you for reading and sharing your view, Swati! Yes, many parents shout at their kids. It takes lots of effort. Hope they can curb the impulse.
It is totally worth it! I know exactly what you mean. Thank you so much, Subha!
Thank you so much, Vishal. It took a lot of energy to come to terms with this, to be honest.
I remember that your son is in boarding school so it must be a totally different scene at your home. I completely understand the need to treat them like an adult, or little adults at least.
I am sure it is not easy. Exercising control like this one is a good step and will help set an example for Gy too.
I can't say that I have made any progress on this front, but thanks to you, I try.
Definitely not easy, Parul. It's been a journey of more stumbles than triumphs. But slowly moving towards a better awareness of what it is to be a patient parent.
I stumbled many many times before I came anywhere close to this number. You've begun even earlier and trust me, it's a slow but rewarding road.
Yes, I needed to read this today! My kids are way older, but I haven't turned any wiser….decibels don't seem to be coming down either! Your post gives me hope. Let me start over again, will let you know how it goes. Bless you for sharing this!
Way to go, Shailaja. I need to read this post everyday. It is so hard not to yell when my little threenager is being difficult!
You're most welcome, Kala. It's something that spoke to me loud and clear 3 years ago and it's not been easy. But I do see the difference it makes to our relationships- both with our children and with others. Wishing you all the luck and do keep me posted on your progress 🙂
Oh trust me, Hema. 3 year olds are experts in driving us up the wall. I don't blame you. But the good news is starting earlier can do wonders for our self control. Good luck 🙂
Such an important post.
The turning point for me was when my mom came over to stay with us for a month. I was this screaming monster and my poor 6 yr old elder one(then), the target…i was having a difficult time managing home, job and a new born child, and like you say, I guess all my frustrations were multiplied when the 6yo threw tantrums. A hard hitting sit down from mom and a threat (almost felt like one!) had me gradually mellow down. I think I lost that yelling syndrome during that one month.
Shubhangi @ The Little Princess
First of all happy for you for coming so far without yelling. I don’t know how I can yell less, Shailaja. I try but it doesn’t continue more than a couple of days or few hours. 🙁 She makes such huge mess of the house…I can’t explain. I think I still have some patience left in me to deal with her but the teenager drives me up the wall. I wish I could slow down a bit on my expectations to bath on time, clean up on time….I leave to work early, so I want to get it done by not waking up till 11:00 PM
Hi shailaja your little one is the most adorable child and i know she is a very soft and tolerant child. I am happy that you have decided not to yell at her to release your tensions.God bless your baby try to spend maximum time with her because when you are there for your child when she needs you she will never do things for you to yell at her.
Going through your Yelling less posts dear, I can so relate to your melt downs..feel so connected.
Thanks for motivating me and touching so many lives by your posts. Just started with my first step, do have a look..
Thank you, Lavina! That’s wonderful to hear. Read your first post and left a comment. Wishing you all the best. 🙂
Hi Shailaja, I loved the way you listed down the causes for yelling at a child. Most Indian parents can relate to it. I have also written a similar post guiding the parents on the right ways to scold a child.
If you like to just check out and give your valuable comments on it: mom-nd-me.com/should-parents-scold-their-child/
Thanks
Thank you so much Shivangi. I really appreciate that. I will be sure to comment and check out your blog soon
Hello dear,
I am awake at 2:30 at night searching frantically to handle by 11 yr ild girl. She was a sweet heart till a few years ago. And now she opposes anything and everything I say. I tried not talking to her, time out and of course yelling……coz I always was against any corporal punishment and the best way I thought was telling her to do the work after many ultimatum I start yelling .but it didn’t work. Her work is incomplete thanks to the online classes. I month ago I spoke to her and told her that it’s her life and she can make her own rules break them, stick to them or bemdthem or change it according to her convince
In case she needs help I am always there but the final decision will be hers.i just need some articles that tell me that I am doing the right thing. I mean this Monday is her test and she has not done her studies yet i get impatient that it has a month of wasting time. I am trying my best to control my urge to start yelling.while reading your article it looks like you have written the whole article keeping me in mind.